WTH

I know I haven't been on in almost a month but serious with with the BS I've had to deal with. I had to go deep in prayer. I know some of this is my fault. I chose to see what would happen. This just doesn't seem fair. My boyfriend just can't stop getting high. At this point I don't have hope. He went from opiates n whiskey to weed 24\7 with of course the occasional relapse. I'm alone no matter what he does. I've prayed but there's free will and he won't turn his addiction or his life over to God. I know no matter what happens I'll be fine. I'll hurt but I'm hurting now. I'm alone now. Good days are few and I just submerge myself in Christmas movies and prayer. I think what hurts the most is I know what an amazing man he could be. What a wonderful relationship we could have. Most of all what's hurt is I feel like I am watching him slowly kill himself and there's nothing I can do. So as I try to decorate for Christmas and put on a fake smile I'll remember that God loves me and he sees my tears, which have been a lot, and he will restore what is happening to me.