Quit

So many emotions. I had my daughter's wedding picnic with her father at his house this past Saturday. I was super excited. What no one knows is all the stress at work & my boyfriend my anxieties have been really bad. I was getting ready for the party and my whole body was shaking inside and out. I took my stomach medicine but I will tell you right now it didn't work. So I went to the picnic sick and acted like I was ok. I really wanted to curl up in a ball but that is not acceptable to anyone especially to myself. In order for me to stay I couldn't eat or I'd end up in the bathroom severely sick. I just drank water most of the time. I figured as long as I stayed hydrated I would be ok. I did have 1 jell-o shot with my daughter and husband. The whole place did - including her 81 year old grandma. Yes, I buckled to peer pressure. I did end up in the bathroom for a minute but drank 2 bottles of water and stabilized it. I had a wonderful time considering I was ill. My son actually approached me a few times.

It wasn't always me running after him. I know baby steps still but I knew he still loved me. That made me happy too. Later it was just me, her dad, my daughter, her hubby and my grandson talking. I was able at 11:30pm at night to finally be able to eat something so I did eat a little after the party. My ex-husbands family took me in and told me how much they loved me. We started talking like 24 years hasn't passed. It was so nice to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. I 'll be honest too..working along side my ex was nice. He grew up from when we were married. We got married at 17 & 19. I caught him looking at me and I'll admit I did look at him a few times. He's still cute..no lie. Would anything happen between us - I doubt it but it was nice. I don't even know how the kids would like it if we got back together anyways but I don't have time to even think or consider that. It was just nice and that's what the problem is. I got home at 2am. Sunday all I did was go into depression about how happy I am not right now. I haven't been happy in a long time. I felt alive Saturday at the picnic. So I cried and questioned myself on my choices with my boyfriend. He's not fun, he didn't respect me at all and the drugs...gosh the drugs and living hell he put me through and yet I freaking stayed. Being remind of being happy and appreciated was good but threw me in a spiral. I told my boyfriend about my feelings and of course he's like I knew something was gonna happen there and are you leaving me blah blah blah.. I don't even know where my thoughts are right now. I'd love to run away and come back when I'm ready but I'm not rich so I can't do that. I was so depressed Sunday I cried all day and laid on the couch. Didn't even care to try to eat. Don't matter my anxieties were in full swing. I went to bed at 1am Sunday night not sure if I was going into work Monday...this blog is getting long so I'll continue it on Thursday cuz I'm getting teary eyed and I literally feel like I'm burning out. I wish I had someone other than my family to talk to. My bestie is so busy. I feel like a burden. So the blog is to be continued Thursday July 14th.