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Losing

Today was super rough. I have mixed emotions every where. The morale of half of the employees are shot. They don't wanna work here any more and I don't blame them. I don't want to work here anymore either. If they quit all that means is I'd sub out the new roofs. Not a big deal but I dislike that it came to this point. I was talking to my boyfriend about it and he told me to tell them to just hang on for a couple months and ask them what they want. I laughed. I said first of all I kiss no ones ass. I will not submit to them and let them think I need then so they can hold my hand over the fire. Hell no! I still like them but I am not going to jeopardize the rest of the company for the few. I really don't want to do this any more. My heart is not in it. I hear everything my boyfriend is saying and I don't care. He tells me , he had a wall up and that he had his head up his butt and he promises he will take care of me and treat the way I deserve and

that he will never ever let me be sad or hurt again. LOL Do I believe that? The truth is I'm scared. I'm scared if he doesn't come home soon and I'm scared when he does come home. Who am I getting? Did he really change mentally, emotionally and spiritually for better or is this just jail talk? I mean how is he going to tell me that everything will be ok when work is falling apart? It makes me feel like a failure even though I'm not a roofer. I don't like the way it makes me feel. These employees depend on me and other than the finances I really have no idea what I'm doing and I do lean on them for the roof specifications. For the most part they are doing well but the drama they are bringing because my boyfriend isn't here is unbearable. I'm literally praying for rain tomorrow so I can call everyone off. I don't know what to do anymore. All I do is pray and ask God to intervene. I fake smiles and happiness most of the time. I'm on edge and just want to sit at home and be quiet ALL OF THE TIME. I don't like how this is making me feel or be. I think it's slowly destroying me. I can't let that happen but I don't know what to do.

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