Why

Why? That's a question I ask myself daily. I can't say I ever really have the answer. I'm going to start from the beginning so you can experience my life with me. I was brought up Catholic and to obey the laws of the bible and if I did that everything would be easy. That was a lie. As I grew older I started questioning things. My parents also started thinking this can't be it. There has to be more. So as a family we dug deeper. We left the Catholic church when I was 16. We found a Christian church and joined. We became born again and enjoyed the non-repetitiveness if the Catholic mass. I joined youth group and really started to learn about Jesus. I loved it. Fast forward a few years. I got married young and had a baby boy. I got married at that church. The church started to change and the pastor spoke in a derogatory way. Basically if people didn't belong to his church than they were going to hell. So again I found myself asking why. He's a man of God. WHY would he speak like this. I was confused and didn't want to bring my child up in such a holier than thou atmosphere. We left the church and I started to teach my son from

the bible at home. I had a another child, a girl. I thought this was it. I turned my life to God and everything is perfect. No. It wasn't perfect. Life got really hard. I got divorced and became a single mom of 2 at the age of 28. WHY? Why is this happening to me? What could I have possibly done to deserve this? I was a good person. During the hardship and pain I continued to love God and teach my children but my faith was weak and little. I felt like I was losing every battle and I didn't know why. I had to cry at night after the kids went to bed because I could never let them

see me weak and afraid. I had a very good supportive family. How could I keep being a burden to them and keep listening to me complain? I really had no one to talk to. I'd find myself when my kids were in school screaming and crying " GOD WHY"? Truth is I never got an answer. Every day the hills I climbed were tough but I did it. My question is - Was it really " I " that did it or was it " God " carrying me?