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How did I let my life become this? I thought I had everything under control. For the most part I know my life isn't bad and I know people have it worse than me and I am grateful for everything I do have. Never did I think there would be a battle of the mind and heart in my personal relationship. I'm finally starting to feel better from being sick - almost 100% and I'll admit my boyfriend did take care of me. Tuesday we were relaxing in the livingroom ( no he wasn't high because he has a meeting with his PO on Thursday ) and he looked at me and said , " Mary I've really been thinking about marrying you lately". My response was WHY. He said because I love you. I asked him but are you IN love with me? He said yes of courses I am. Don't you wanna marry me? I told him I loved him because no idiot would still be here with this crap but we need to work on some things.

We need to be ok before this would happen. He would need to be more sober than not. The subject dropped and that night I had a terrible dream. I was stuck on an ugly couch surrounded by 2 feet of murky but clear enough water to see snakes surrounding me. A big black dog jumped on the couch being squeezed by a snake so I ripped the snake off him but the snake kept coming back. I looked out the window for help and I saw my cousin. What's strange about that is my cousin looks like me - a lot. I also remember the way the snake felt when I touch it. I woke up like WTH. What did that dream mean? Was it a warning? I just don't know. Wednesday evening we were home from work and he asked me what size ring do I wear and than said oh you'll probably want to pick it out. I told him I didn't know my ring size even though I pretty much know I'm a size 6. I asked why do you want to marry me? He said because that's what 2 people do when their in love and want to spend forever together. I don't want to be with anyone but you and I feel like if we were married we'd be complete. Now truthfully I'm a full believer in marriage. Even going through a divorce I still think marriage can and is a good thing but it can't be for the wrong reasons. I take it very seriously. He said don't you want to marry me? I told him yes but I need certain things from him before I do that. He said ok, what kind of wedding do you want? What? lol.. I told him let's work on things and see but in the end it's just a piece of paper and if you don't love me enough a piece of paper won't make you love me more. He said I know. Subject was dropped. This is a battle. I wanted to marry him. I love him. He's not staying sober and that's a problem. My heart says yes and my mind says run. This is weighing heavy on me today.

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