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Feeling

Finished my 3rd week and 15 radiation sessions. 1 week to go and 5 treatment sessions left. I don't know why I'm still in awe that I even got cancer. Over all my experience hasn't been terrible. I turn 52 on Monday. The family celebration is tomorrow, Sunday. I sit here and think of everything that my boyfriend has put me through, and of course I chose to stay so it's not all on him. The unnecessary drama, stress and cancer...it's so overwhelming when you really think about it. I did majority of it on my own. Well..maybe not all alone. I have God and he's probably tired of me talking to him. Sometimes I don't shut up. LOL Family and friends said kind words and supported me. Some family stayed with me until I could do things myself. I never wanted to be a burden on them .Running the company and deal with too much testosterone chest puffing out there. Always trying to stay strong and help people while I'm suffering. Basically from loneliness and stress .Always trying to smile even when people betray me for no good reason. Even through all this and the feelings, I know deep down I am so blessed. Things could be worse. They could of not caught the cancer early, the business could not be still open, I could not have the amazing family and friends that I have. I'm not feeling sorry for myself but in my feelings today. Today is my grandsons first football game. I can't go. It's an hour away and a late game. So the side effect of radiation is fatigue. I get tired after 5pm. The game starts at 6pm. So even if I did make it and drive home there's a good chance I'd be too tired to celebrate my birthday with my family tomorrow. It's a rarity that I miss one of his games. I'm going to miss almost half this year, unless I can get over the fatigue fast. That makes me sad. My boyfriend sent me a birthday card and letter. It was sweet. I really hope we have our happily ever after like he said. I can't be hurt again. Sometimes I get tired of always doing the right thing. The only thing that stops me is I know it would hurt God. Sounds silly but its true. He's my best friend. My heavenly father. I don't want to disappoint him or anyone to be honest. Then I sit here thinking of children that get cancer. I hate it. How amazing, brave and strong they are to go through this and be so little. What about the parents that have to watch them suffer? OMG the pain and not being able to take it away from their child! I also think about how long cancer research has been going on...70 years and treatments haven't really changed. There's part of me that does believe they do have a cure for certain cancers but it will never come out because they are making too much money on it. My bill ( I have insurance so I didn't have to pay it) for just the 1st surgery and treatments NOT including the month of radiation was $85,000.00. Are you kidding me? So what happens to the children and anyone really that don't have insurance? Do they suffer and die? I really don't like what's going on in this world. It bothers me. So much evil. My goal today is just to dust, sweep and rest up for tomorrow and try not to think of the yucky stuff but to try to focus on the positive. Great family and friends, no more cancer, boyfriend will be back in 3 months and God showing me who to sit with at my table and who not to trust.

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