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Up & Down

Valentine's Day weekend. It was wonderful. He was himself. The man I knew he could be. He wasn't high even though he did have a few beers and some wine with dinner. There's no arguing him when it comes to beer or wine. Whiskey ( what he use to drink all the time ) is a big no and he agrees. We made dinner together and watched a movie. We also played pool and darts in our game room. We stayed home and made it special. For a brief moment I was so happy again. Almost putting on the rose colored glasses. I hate this. I know who he is when he's not high. He's a good man. I went to see my grandson play basketball and didn't have to worry about what I was coming home to. He talked about our future together.

It was truly a great weekend. This weekend were tears of happiness and how it could and should be. Can any of you understand how bad this hurts? However, the 20th is approaching and he told me he gets his pills around that date. So either this weekend or next or both might be hell. Honestly I just want to think of this past weekend on how great it was. He mentioned going on subs this weekend. I thought it was a good idea. It's supposed to help cravings and block the " high feeling ". We have a mutual friend and he told me if my boyfriend wants suboxones than that's good but if he wants subutex than that's bad because he can crush the pills, snort them and get high as hell and the PO can't do anything ever because he'll have a script. So I mentioned to my boyfriend last night about the suboxones and he said oh no it's the subutex I want to try. My heart sank. Confirmed I know the end is coming. Part of me feels like I should stay and ride it out. Maybe just maybe but I know it's not going to happen. No words - just sadness and waiting for God to help.

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