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The weekend was not what I wanted. He was high and when he is I find myself being mean. I say mean things. Maybe its me being defensive? Maybe its me just being hurt and exhausted from all this? Maybe its all of it? I don't like me when I'm there. I'm usually a go lucky filled with joy kind of person. Lately its been sadness and crying. We got into a huge fight Sunday night. It carried over to Monday. Well I carried it over to Monday. He acted like it was over. In the past. I guess that's what addicts do. Before he left to do whatever he does at work he said to me, " I don't know if this is gonna work...seriously".

Surprisingly those words still hurt me. All the hurt and drama and down right bullshit he put me through his words still hurt me. Why? How messed up is that? It makes me really sit and think what kind of emotional control he has over me. Am I really that weak? I know in time we aren't going to be together. Maybe sooner than most people think. I have to be ok with that. It has to be my choice. I keep looking at houses and the market sucks. Way over priced. Yes I have a house that is paid off. I don't believe I belong there anymore. My daughter and grandson does. They have a good little life there. I just don't want to start another mortgage at the age of 50. That's not fair. I have a lot to consider. I have a lot to work out with people before I make the move. In the mean time I'm soooooo incredibly sad and cry daily. The only thing I have been doing the last 3 days is submerging myself in scriptures. Not really praying but talking to God. Trying to figure out why my 3 simple prayers have not been answered. I don't know what else to do. I know I'll be ok it's just this trial is overwhelming me and I don't know how much more I can take. Final words for the day. I'll stand strong in the Lord and his promises and keep believing he will provide a way out.

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