Scared

Today I'm sitting at work by myself. I'm the only one in today because of the weather. He started drinking at 9:30am. Beer & wine. That might not seem so terrible but he's an addict. He's at home. It's not a holiday. He should be drinking anything else but alcohol on a Thursday at 9:30am. He also called his dentist ( where he had mouth surgery last week ) looking for more pain pills. I guess we'll see if they write him a script or believe me when I said " Don't prescribe him oxy he's an addict" . Truthfully I believe doctors don't care and are going to give him something. I guess my weekend is going to be hell again. But he's an addict. This is a growing experience for me. I really sat down and thought about leaving. It's easy to remember the good times even though it was few. It seems we block out the bad, even if it just happened a couple days ago. I sat yesterday and really thought about leaving. The truth is I'm scared to start over.

I currently live in a nice house and have a great job. I'm 50. It's frightening to think about starting over at this age. When I thought of this I also realized I never mentioned that I'd miss him. I'd miss the materialistic comfortable life I created for myself. That's a little pathetic but at 50 to try to rebuild that is going to be hard. I like my job - a lot. I feel lost. I feel overwhelmed and sometimes I feel like the enemy is winning. Even though I know the enemy will never win. I go through my moments too. I worked so hard and now I'm dealing with this. This isn't a doubt in my faith at all. It's me being human. Me being the imperfect human. I know I need God. I know I need to submerge myself more into God's word. Sometimes I also wish I knew his will for me. What the right move is? When things are going to get better? When? It's really been hitting me hard the past couple days. No one knows. I can act very good and people think things are all unicorn and rainbows in my life ( except 3 people - they know ). They say fake it until you make it. When can I stop faking being happy and actually be happy?