This Weekend

How does one even explain this weekend when the misery started Thursday after work. We were on our way to Giant Eagle and out of know where he started screaming at me again about how much he hates my driving and that he can't smoke in my car. I ignored it. The reason he did this ( he told me why ) is because I didn't weave in and out of traffic and he had to sit through 1 extra red light. Really? 1 light? Than we get home and he starts drinking. He tells me that he is on the border of going completely back to where he was 2 years ago. Full blown addiction. So me being me asked him how WE can prevent this. He said I don't know but obviously his way isn't working and maybe he should try subs. I said then try them but I wish you would talk nicer to me.

This is where the torment starts. He starts by saying that we have a strange relationship and that the start of it wasn't normal. I agreed. Than he said that he loved me to death and would do anything for me but he's not in love with me. That its a different kind of love. I sat there quietly looking at my phone as my heart was breaking. I'm thinking I wasted 3.5 years on someone who isn't in love with me? Why the hell am I here? I went to bed and didn't sleep. I cried all night. I didn't pursue him! He went after me! He said he loved me first! He kissed me first! He texted me in the middle of the night! I didn't initiate anything! I hated life. I hated everything. Just a reminder my boyfriend is the owner of the company I work for. It was raining and being outside construction he called everyone off but me. I'm the only office person ( I do ALL the office, HR, AR, PR, AP work )and I don't mind going in alone. It's peaceful. Not today though. I walked out into the living room ( he sleeps on the couch when he does sleep as not to bother me with his smoking and drugs) and I told him I'm calling off. He looked at me and said really? I said I'm calling off and went back to bed. My whole being was hurting. Later that morning he walks in and says he's going to work. That he is not going to sit there and have a pity party for himself. I said why not I am. He said WHY? Like nothing happened and what he said to me the night before. I looked at him and said you told me you weren't in love with me. WTF He said I never said that and that's not what I meant. I just meant we didn't do the normal courting and fall in love before we moved in. I didn't argue. I know what I heard and he is trying to retract it. Here's the kicker... he said there's only one thing to do - we need to get married. WHAT? OH HELL NO! This is classic 101 emotional abuse. I was talking to my parents, best friend and daughter about it. Now my daughter , who is living in my house, is taking some of the blame for me being there because she's in my house. NO.. ABSOLUTELY NOT HER FAULT. Truth is if she wasn't living in my house I'd probably be bouncing between my house and my boyfriends. I told her I would do anything for her and my grandson. I love them and this has nothing to do with her with me being there. I made my choice. Now I have to deal with it but if it came down to it I could move back home. My parents told me to leave but if I wasn't going to leave right now than to save and be ready to walk out the door. My dad said the problem is would I be strong enough to leave when the time comes. I sure hope so. I know I deserve better. I DESERVE BETTER! The whole weekend was off and on. I got to get out for a little to a wine fest with my daughter and my friends. He's trying to act like this weekend didn't happen but it did and I forgive him but no I won't forget and yes it still hurts me terribly. I have so many flowers at the house because every time he screws up he buys me flowers. It's starting to smell like a funeral home. So my life now is he's either high or going through withdrawal. Either way I get yelled at and mistreated.