Truth

Do you ever just feel tired. This Christmas weekend was over all wonderful. My daughter and grandson stayed over during the bad weather because she doesn't like taking a chance driving in potential ice especially with her son in the car. I don't blame her. I felt bad for them but happy for me. I had company. I have my family over on Christmas eve and my son didn't make it and my son in law was very sick so he stayed home. Not to mention I had zero hot water Christmas eve - pipes froze. It was still a good time. That is until everyone left. I never realized how much I actually fake being happy lately. I was alone from Christmas day until 3 days after. I didn't get out of my pjs. I just went from my bed to the couch completely sad. I did shower though because that's just gross not too. I cried a lot this weekend. Than I realized I cry a lot. I'm so mentally and emotionally drained. I know I talk about depending on God and I do but I am human and I have had enough of being sad all the time. I go to my chiropractor once a week - have to fake happy there. Talk to my parents, who are in there early 70's, fake happy there so they don't worry. My daughter is concerned but fake happy a lot around her too because she has her own battles. Not to mention I'm the mom. I'm supposed to be the strong one. Supposed to be anyways.

Don't get me wrong I love spending time with my family and friends and I'm genuinely happy to be with them but being constantly sad sucks. Not wanting to always talk about it because you feel like a burden and a pain in the ass - sucks. I know this was my choice - good or bad. I put myself in this position. I did. So here I am waiting for God to save my butt...again. New Years Eve is in 2 days. I'll be bringing it in alone. Not quite sure how I'm going to make it special for me and my doggy. I will plan a nice meal and snacks because I do deserve at least that. I may write down everything I don't want to carry into 2023 with me and than burn the paper and pray and make acclimations of what I want 2023 to be for me. Sounds selfish but if you really get all I've given without asking or expecting anything in return than you'd understand why I think its ok to be a little selfish this time. I'm not hurting anyone. I just want to be at peace, happy and feel loved. I know my family and friends love me but you know the love between a man and a woman. I need and deserve all of this. No relationship is perfect but dayum this one has been hell and I can't blame anyone but myself for staying because " I love him". Just disgusted. I thought my life would of been different. Here's to striving towards my goals but first I have to heal emotionally and mentally. Happy New Years!